In this episode, we talk to Dr. Laura Berenstain about our reservoirs of resiliency, toxic altruism in the health care community, and why scrolling social media is not the same thing as connection.
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Laura is a pediatric cardiac anesthesiologist who is now the CEO of Berenstain Coaching and Consulting and works primarily coaching women for personal well-being, along with professional success and leadership. She’s a wife, mom to three daughters, author, speaker, and determined agent for change. Experiencing burnout herself led to her passion for working with other women to help them determine their best life and how to achieve it without sacrificing their own authenticity along the way. In addition to coaching Laura works on national initiatives on physician well-being, gender equity and DEI, and professional development. She is active on committees for well-being and leadership through the American Society of Anesthesiologists and the Society for Pediatric Anesthesia’s Women’s Empowerment Leadership Initiative (WELI).
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3:00 I think what most of us think about when we think about wellbeing is something that encompasses all the parts that make us human; our physical, our emotional, or social, even our financial status, are all the parts of us working the way they need to and the way we would like them to so that we really feel that we're fully fledged human beings, and we're moving as close to our real potential as we can.
4:32 I think when I think about burnout, I think about going back to wellbeing and am I operating really on all cylinders, in all the parts of my life? Sadly, the answer for a lot of us, especially post COVID is no, because we're under stress all the time.
4:58 So I think when I think about burnout, I like to couple it with resiliency. And with the resiliency part is some thoughtful work about what is your resiliency reservoir? And what does that look like? How deep is it? And that comes back to how are those parts of your life working together? And if they're not, what needs to happen then and what restores you, and what brings you energy?
6:33 I really want to emphasize that this takes a little bit of exploration, because one size doesn't fit all. And so I think sometimes we actually make ourselves feel even worse, if we take things that seem to work for other people and if that's not what gives us resilience, or sustains us.
7:51 So I think when people begin to visualize their resiliency reservoir, it's really helpful to think about what are the things that are little rivers that feed your reservoir. And that could be exercising, or sometimes getting enough sleep. It could for some people be yoga, it could be anything, but what feeds you? And then also being conscious of what are the rivers out of that reservoir? And maybe that's a job that's stressful. Maybe it's a family situation, that's really hard to deal with right now. But whatever those things are, are they balancing? Because if they're not balancing, and there's more outflow from that reservoir than input, then over time, we know where that's going to head. That's going to head toward burnout.
11:00 Dr. Kamya Seraph, who teaches a course on trauma coaching [says] connection mitigates trauma. And that's important, because another thing she says that I believe she's actually correct about is that right now, the penetrance of trauma in our society is 100%. Because we've all lived through COVID. We've all had our own challenges to deal with on top of COVID. And trauma can be an event, but it can also be a lived experience, it can be cumulative stress that becomes too much. And so, yes, connection is the thing that mitigates that.
12:00 Something that I realized over the course of years is, especially for women, that takes the form of all the things that are challenges to you, whether it's work life integration or being the sole breadwinner for your family, worrying about your next promotion, whatever your challenges are, we come to believe that we're the only people facing those battles and somehow we're not doing a good enough job. And the beauty of connection is that, at the moment, we are able to be just vulnerable enough to leave our silo and connect with other people, we realize that these are very common things and we're actually all working through varieties of those things. And just normalizing that is so validating that you almost can just take a deep breath and relax, just thinking about the fact that it's not my struggle. We're in this together, it's everyone's struggle.
15:22 Connection comes at the point where you feel seen and heard and valued. It comes when there's trust.
18:06 Toxic altruism is when you're almost shamed into not taking care of yourself, because you should be taking care of other people. So you wouldn't take a lunch break between cases, or you wouldn't go get some water or even go to the bathroom because you're busy taking care of other people. And so I think for health care workers, it often gets bred into us that somehow it's wrong or selfish to have needs of our own.
19:10 I think self compassion is a tough one, because part of any problem is raising awareness. But even after we're aware that we do that, it still takes a concerted effort to say, I'm going to choose to be kind to myself. I'm going to give myself grace. I am not going to beat myself up over this. Or even, what do I need right now?
21:33 It feels so terrifically important to me to try to make a difference for the better in any way that I can.
Dear Mind, You Matter is brought to you by NOBU, a new mental health, and wellness app. To download NOBU, visit the app store or Google Play.
This podcast is hosted by Allison Walsh and Dr. Angela Phillips. It is produced by Allison Walsh, Ashley Tate, and Nicole LaNeve. For more information or if you’re interested in being a guest on this podcast, please visit www.therecoveryvillage.com/dearmindyoumatter.
Allison:
Hello and welcome to the dear mind, do you matter podcast? My name is Allison Walsh. I'm a longtime mental health advocate and vice president at Advanced Recovery Systems. On each episode, I will be joined by my colleague and clinical expert, Dr. Angela Phillips. This show along with our mental health and wellness app, Nobu are just some of the ways we're working to provide you with actionable tips and tools to take really good care of yourself each and every day. So sit back, relax and grab your favorite note taking device, it's time to fill your mind with things that matter.
Angela:
Dr. Laura Berenstain is a pediatric cardiac anesthesiologist who is now the CEO of Berenstain Coaching and Consulting and works primarily coaching women for personal well being, along with professional success and leadership. She's a wife mom to three daughters, author, speaker and determined agent for change. Experiencing burnout herself led to a passion for working with other women to help them determine their best life, and how to achieve it without sacrificing their own authenticity along the way. In addition to coaching, Laura works on national initiatives on physician well being gender equity, and dei and professional development. She is active on committees for wellbeing and leadership through the American Society of Anesthesiologists and the Society for pediatric anesthesia is women's empowerment Leadership Initiative.
On June 21st at 12 PM Eastern Standard Time, Dr. Berenstain will be a guest speaker for the Advanced Recovery Systems Professional Education Series. If you are interested, we have added the registration link in the show notes.
Allison:
Well, Laura, thank you so much for being on our show today, would you mind introducing yourself to our audience,
Dr. Laura Berenstain:
I would love to Allison, thank you for having me. I'm Laura Berenstain. And I'm a pediatric cardiac anesthesiologist by training. And so in real terms, what that means is I've spent most of my professional career in and around a cardiac operating room, taking care of usually babies, children, sometimes adolescents and even young adults, who were born with some form of heart disease. And so professionally, that's what I've done up until the last several years, when I decided that I also wanted to get involved in physician well being health care well being, and I became a professional coach.
Angela:
That's awesome. And we throw around what you know, I'm going to bring up now, which is this word called well being that we all use in different capacities. And since we have you here as such an expert in so many different areas, you know, even even regardless of that, right, where it's sort of this word, phrase concept we throw around, so I like to just get a sense of, you know, from whomever we're talking to what sort of your definition of well being, or just what does that encompass to you? And what do you sort of want to put forth to maybe our listeners around what that means?
Dr. Laura Berenstain:
Well, I love that you asked that question, because we started a few years ago by calling it wellness. And now we've kind of shifted over to wellbeing. And I think what most of us think about when we think about wellbeing is something that encompasses all the parts that make us human; our physical, our emotional, or social, even our financial status, are all the parts of us working the way they need to and the way we would like them to so that we really feel that we're fully fledged human beings, and we're moving as close to our real potential as we can.
Allison:
I love that definition. And I think that we have to keep it at our forefront otherwise, it becomes something that we can easily neglect. And I know one of the areas that you spend a lot of time energy and effort talking about is burnout, and the need for us to really pay attention. Because it doesn't just happen once oftentimes, it's a recurrence. And I know that you've got some advice, probably for our listeners around how we can use our spotters or any other tools that can really create action and awareness on our behalf so that we can prevent these issues from reoccurring.
Dr. Laura Berenstain:
So I think most of the people who listen may be aware that there is a definition of burnout. And you know, there are actually three components that we think about. But when I think about it in real life, I think about it more like a continuum. It's not like one day you woke up and you said I have arrived at burnout. In fact, I think there are a lot of us who lived in burnout for quite a while before we were really ready to name and admit to ourselves that's where we were. We're pretty good at denial. So I think when I think about burnout, I think about going back to the wellbeing and am I operating really on all cylinders, in all the parts of my life? Sadly, the answer for a lot of us, especially post COVID is no, because we're under stress all the time. And it may wax and wane a little bit and maybe two parts of your life are going great but other parts aren't going as well. So I think when I think about burnout, I like to couple it with resiliency. And with the resiliency part is some thoughtful work about what is your resiliency reservoir? And what does that look like? How deep is it? And that comes back to how are those parts of your life working together? And if they're not, what needs to happen then and what restores you, and what brings you energy?
Angela:
Like the resiliency reservoir, I can say it correctly. And that actually leads me to our next question, which is sort of talking about, you know, further developing resilience, different ways we can do that which we know, you know, Allison and I talked about a lot, and is really a core of a lot of the programs that we work within and around. And we just really know the importance and, and how much people are really striving to utilize that as a way to both develop further develop and maintain, you know, mental health, wellness, well being all the things right. And so every time we sort of look at that it's an evaluation or reevaluation of things that we can do to support, you know, creating resilience or maintaining that how do you sort of describe in more detail or give tangible tools around things that would promote that, even from very basic things we can start today, like, you know, activities like journaling, what have you found to be helpful?
Dr. Laura Berenstain:
Actually all answered the part about what I find helpful last, because I really want to emphasize that this takes a little bit of exploration, because one size doesn't fit all. And so I think sometimes we actually make ourselves feel even worse, if we take things that seem to work for other people and if that's not what gives us resilience, or sustains us, then somehow we feel like, Oh, why can't I just can't do it, I can't sit still, I can't meditate, right? I'm a failure. And the reality is, whatever brings you energy, or peace. So one realization I've had on my own behalf is that I actually need about 10 minutes of quiet time every day. And I didn't get that for probably several decades. Nor did I name that to myself as a need. But now that I'm honest with myself, I say, you know, I do so much better. If in the morning, I really take about 10 minutes, and it can be to journal, it might be just to sit quietly, some days is to do an anti anxiety meditation. But whatever it is, it's 10 minutes, that just belongs to me. And there are no interruptions, there's no electronics, it's just my time. And I can take that and then go forth and deal with things the rest of the day with so much more reserve, because I started the day with that little bit of quiet and serenity for myself. So I think when people begin to visualize their resiliency reservoir, it's really helpful to think about what are the things that are little rivers that feed your reservoir. And that could be exercising, or sometimes getting enough sleep. It could for some people be yoga, it could be anything, but what feeds you? And then also being conscious of what are the rivers out of that reservoir? And maybe that's a job that's stressful. Maybe it's a family situation, that's really hard to deal with right now. But whatever those things are, are they balancing? Because if they're not balancing, and there's more outflow from that reservoir than input, then over time, we know where that's going to head. That's going to head toward burnout. So I think it's a conscious balance between the two and being able to name and say, I need help right now. Right now my outflow is a whole lot greater than my inflow.
Allison:
I'd love that beautiful visual that you just describe for us. Like I can already see like a graphic that goes along with this episode of our reservoir. So this is great. But I think that you know, it really calls to light that it can be 10 minutes, right, it can be just that quiet time. I know that I have to have that in my morning and the days that I've missed out on it for whatever reason, I can feel so out of whack like and there's no other way to describe it just like not my best self. And it's amazing with that gift of time in the morning. That peacefulness, that tranquility, just getting your thoughts collected doing it for you, too. I think there's also something there of like giving yourself that gift in the morning feels really good or whatever it is that you need the exercise the time with community or friends or whatever it is that's filling you up. But doing it for yourself and doing it intentionally you're honoring yourself in the process and I think that that goes a long way as well. But I know that you also talk about how important it is to not feel isolated and to not feel alone. And you know you do a lot of amazing Using work where you're, of course, working with medical professionals really helping them through some of these challenges, and, and others as well. But I think a lot of times people do feel really alone and really isolated and like they're going through all of these challenges just by themselves. So can we talk about how connection and belonging can really help people heal and making sure that they feel much better about themselves than they probably feel when they feel just like they're all by themselves? If you or someone you know, is struggling with addiction or mental health issues, we encourage you to reach out to us today. Advanced Recovery Systems is a leading behavioral health care company with locations across this country. Don't hesitate, call us today, at 855-409-1753. That's 855-409-1753 help is just a phone call away.
Dr. Laura Berenstain:
Yeah, that's a really rich topic. And and I want to honor Dr. Kamya Seraph, who teaches a course on trauma coaching. And what she says is connection mitigates trauma. And that's important, because another thing she says that I believe she's actually correct about is that right now, the penetrance of trauma in our society is 100%. Because we've all lived through COVID. We've all had our own challenges to deal with on top of COVID. And trauma can be an event, but it can also be a lived experience, it can be cumulative stress that becomes too much. And so, yes, connection is the thing that mitigates that. And speaking to my own profession, you know, anesthesiology is a world where we go in and each of us in our own room, we conduct an anesthetic, and we often don't see her talk to her colleagues a lot during the day. So while you're part of a department, and you technically work with a lot of people, in your own way, you're very siloed. And so something that I realized over the course of years is, especially for women, that takes the form of all the things that are challenges to you, whether it's work life integration or being the sole breadwinner for your family, worrying about your next promotion, whatever your challenges are, we come to believe that we're the only people facing those battles and somehow we're not doing a good enough job. And the beauty of connection is that, at the moment, we are able to be just vulnerable enough to lweave our silo and connect with other people, we realize that these are very common things and we're actually all working through varieties of those things. And just normalizing that is so validating that you almost can just take a deep breath and relax, just thinking about the fact that it's not my struggle. We're in this together, it's everyone's struggle. So I think connection is absolutely essential. And whether that comes in, in whatever form in the people in your yoga class, or talking to people at other institutions and networking, talking to your best friend talking to your partner, but just allowing yourself to be with other people in a way that acknowledges your struggles, you're not in it alone, there's others there.
Angela:
I love that. And it makes me think about the, you know, when we talk about the wellness wheel or sort of well being and these different facets, a lot of these sort of old school descriptions of that will include the social component, right. And sort of underneath that many people have developed more of this honing in on community versus just what it means to be social. And I feel like a lot of what you're speaking to is where this big disconnect has been where, you know, oh, well, if I have a lot of friends or family or people that just are kind of, you know, around me that that means the same thing as really creating and, and fostering relationships, and feeling safe to discuss a lot of these issues that has really now come come to light, right. So I think there's a lot of confusion in that too, which hopefully is becoming more, you know, the awareness is being drawn to that, that these two are not the same thing. And I just love what you're saying, because it really pulls that together, at least for me, in what in the past I've seen and sort of wondered, why do Why does it feel so isolating when I'm surrounded by so many people? And, you know, I don't I don't know if you have any more to sort of speak to on that. But it really does, I think hit the nail on the head when it comes to. It's because of that lack of community, that lack of openness, that lack of feeling safe to be able to talk about those things that are truly important, not just have people around you that may care a lot about you but it's not that same level of connection, if that makes sense.
Dr. Laura Berenstain:
Totally, because I talked about feeling siloed as an anesthesiologist Yes, as a cardiac anesthesiologist, I can spend 12 hours doing a case in a room that has maybe 14 people. So I'm not siloed in the sense that I'm alone. In fact, I'm overstimulated by the amount of input and opinions, and monitors and all the things happening all day long. But I don't necessarily have connection with this people. It's different connection comes at the point where you feel seen and heard and valued. It comes when there's trust. And you you said something that brought me very close to thinking psychological safety, right. But that's what the connection is about where you can be you and you're accepted. That's, that's where the important connection happens. And that doesn't happen a lot of times in our jobs, and we can be with people all day long, or you can scan social media, you can look at people look at what they're doing, compare yourself to others see all the likes out there. That's not connection. That's a different thing.
Angela:
Absolutely, and I think, if anything, this can hopefully sort of encourage, and just, you know, light, some sort of spark in us to just evaluate where that's at with, you know, those who are listening and, and, you know, Allison and I were always thinking about these kinds of things. But, you know, we, we just kind of plow through every day, sometimes without really sitting back and, and looking at what that, you know, connection is like that we share on a daily basis. And I'm sure everyone on this call sort of agrees and has been in situations where like you said, you know, we may be one of many, you know, for example, one of many women on a team, we may be by ourselves working on a team. But whatever the case is, it's just, we don't sit back and really evaluate what that level of connection is or what we need and the level of safety and sort of what that role has been like. So I think this is just a great, a great sort of pivot into encouraging folks to just think a little bit more about what's the quality of the connections that we're having, and that level of safety that we feel in that. And maybe that potentially being what's really leading to more of those isolated feelings. So I really appreciate you bringing that up. But that also makes me think about self compassion, and how that can be really difficult. Right? And so and, you know, I'm sure with a lot of the folks that you're working with, and you know, a lot of what we the work we do, we know that can be sometimes the most difficult, because we may equate it to weakness, or, you know, lots of other aspects of, you know, our personality that don't quite seem to fit fit into that sort of angle. So why and how should we practice self compassion? What sort of thoughts do you have around that?
Dr. Laura Berenstain:
Well, I think, again, if I think about the health care community in general, you know, we are bred to be altruistic, but not toward ourselves. And there's another term I heard recently that I absolutely loved. And it was toxic altruism. And toxic altruism is when you're almost shamed into not taking care of yourself, because you should be taking care of other people. So you wouldn't take a lunch break between cases, or you wouldn't go get some water or even go to the bathroom because you're busy taking care of other people. And so I think for health care workers, it often gets bred into us that somehow it's wrong or selfish to have needs of our own. So I think self compassion for us is something that you can't emphasize enough, and we really need to help reinforce it in each other. I know for a lot of women again, it can take the form of the self critic, or imposter syndrome, where we incessantly have this voice talking to us telling us that we're not doing it well enough. We don't compare well to other people. And so the self compassionate question is, would you talk to your best friend that way? And universally, the answer's no, of course I wouldn't. Okay, then why do you talk to yourself that way? And so I think self compassion is a tough one, because part of any problem is raising awareness. But even after we're aware that we do that, it still takes a concerted effort to say, I'm going to choose to be kind to myself, I'm going to give myself grace. I am not going to beat myself up over this. Or even what do I need right now? I haven't had anything to drink in five hours. I think I'm gonna just take a few minutes to get some water even though I had three other tasks I meant to do right this minute. They can wait. I'm gonna go get some water right now.
Allison:
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Allison:
Totally, but we don't do it enough. And we're often super fast to cancel on ourselves or skip over our own needs. And it doesn't take long doing that over and over and over again, to have just completely taken everything we need from ourselves, right. And it's we can't be depleted and show up as our best selves we can't cancel on ourselves and expect to perform the way we want to perform and our jobs and our professions and our you know, show up for people, we have got to make ourselves a priority again. And I love that we are kind of coming to a close with the theme of self compassion. And I love what you said of like, if you want wouldn't say this to your best friend, like you can't say this to yourself, you just can't. And stopping that narrative in its tracks is so important. And I know it's something that so many people struggle with, especially women. And we've got to be kinder to ourselves. So I'm glad we had the chance to talk about this. But, Laura, we ask everybody that comes on the show today, at this point in your life, what matters most to you right now,
Dr. Laura Berenstain:
I think on a very real level. Impact. It feels so terrifically important to me to try to make a difference for the better in any way that I can. And some of that is because I have three daughters. One of them is a physician and following in my footsteps. And so it just as ever, on my mind that as somebody now who is in the last third of my career, I have a voice that I can use. And it's important to use that to empower other people, particularly other women, and to create that opportunity to leave things better.
Angela:
Absolutely. That's amazing. I love it well, so that people can continue to hear more from you or just learn more about you. How can our listeners follow you on wherever you are social media or anywhere else.
Dr. Laura Berenstain:
So I'm on Twitter @LBerenstain. I am on Facebook, Laura Berenstain. And they can look at my website, lauraberenstain.com. And for anyone who would want to reach out, I would love to hear from them. I am a coach and I love to coach people. But I also just like to hear from people. So if people have questions or comments, I would love to hear from them.
Angela:
Fantastic. Well,thank you so much for joining us today, Laura. We really appreciate it. Hope we can have you back sometime in the near future.
Dr. Laura Berenstain:
Thank you so much. It was wonderful.
Angela: 2
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