In this episode, we speak to Cathy Hurst about leveling up the conversations with your kids about their emotions, teaching them resiliency and the work that the Hayden Hearst Family Foundation is doing to help.
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Memorable Moments:
6:39 If we had learned early on, just like you learn math skills or science or spelling or whatever, if we had learned more about our emotions, and where did it come from in the brain and the neurological system and how can we go: "okay, I'm gonna get myself out of this emotional mindset." Take a deep breath, walk away from a situation and be able to come back and face it better, because maybe I was angry, maybe I was frustrated. And if I continue staying in that headspace, it's going to consume me.
8:00 That's what's important for us, to really get these kids to think about that tomorrow can be a better day, and that it's okay not to be okay. And nobody, nobody in this world is perfect. And we all have our own issues and situations.
11:15 We need to get back to allowing children to be vulnerable and have these feelings and say, you know, I'm learning [too] at my age...and instead, if I say, "Wow, I can't believe you felt that way. Let's talk about it or share with me, why do you think you have those feelings?", it makes it into a totally different conversation. And so at my age, I'm still learning how to work with people and my children, especially.
14:15 We're so used to just going "well, I'm sorry, that happened." You know, let's just move on. And we’ve got to stop doing that because children are more sensitive today. They want so much to feel accepted...and so we've got to let them be the individuals that they are, but encourage them and you know, and help them through the rough times.
17:08 That's how we can help people figure out ways to handle this with their kids, [by] getting more and better resources out there at their fingertips.
19:36 I get up every day and just want to make a difference and help that next child realize that life is important and to be resilient and not give up hope.
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This podcast is hosted by Allison Walsh and Dr. Angela Phillips. It is produced by Allison Walsh, Savannah Eckstrom, and Nicole LaNeve. For more information or if you’re interested in being a guest on this podcast, please visit www.therecoveryvillage.com/dearmindyoumatter.
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
hayden, teacher, coach, mental health, conversations, foundation, talk, kids, important, people, kathy, life, struggling, resources, cathy, children, support, hearst, isolating, hurst
SPEAKERS
Allison:, Cathy Hurst, Angela:
Allison: 00:02
Hello and welcome to the dear mind, do you matter podcast? My name is Allison Walsh. I'm a longtime mental health advocate and vice president at Advanced Recovery Systems. On each episode I will be joined by my colleague and clinical expert, Dr. Angela Phillips. This show along with our mental health and wellness app, Nobu are just some of the ways we're working to provide you with actionable tips and tools to take really good care of yourself each and every day. So sit back, relax and grab your favorite note taking device. It's time to fill your mind with things that matter. Kathy Hurst is the vice president of the Hayden Hearst Family Foundation and mother of Cincinnati Bengals tight end Hayden Hurst, an outspoken advocate for mental health awareness. Hayden established the Hayden Hearst Family Foundation to provide funding to programs that address mental health issues and provide mental health services to teens, adolescents and military veterans. Cathy has taken Hayden's mission and has helped it grow immensely by bringing social and emotional learning programs to local schools. Additionally, the hearse helps support veteran mental health through potentially life saving services and programs with service animals. Please welcome Kathy Hurst. Thank you so much for coming on our show today. Would you mind introducing yourself to our audience?
Cathy Hurst 01:18
Oh, absolutely. Alison, thank you so much for having me. So my name is Cathy Hurst. And I am the Vice President of the Hayden Hearst Family Foundation. And we established the foundation because my son was, well, he is an NFL football player. And when he got drafted in 2018, he told my husband and I want you all to retire, because I really want to have a foundation that focuses on mental health and suicide prevention. And I want to try to aim for young people, but also military, because the military is very important to Hayden. And now I will say this, that if someone were to contact us that is in their 20s, or 30s, we are certainly not going to say Oh, I'm sorry, you need to talk to somebody else. Because we're just thrilled that we're able to have this position. Hagen did attempt to take his life. And when he was had transferred from playing baseball, minor league baseball, and lost that career, and he went into trying to walk on at University of South Carolina and play football. And unfortunately, he brought those demons with him. And he was drinking and doing drugs. And that combination of the alcohol and drugs with his mindset, attempted suicide. And we're so blessed that he chose a knife versus a gun, because I might be here talking differently to you if it had been a gun. So he's very passionate about sharing his story. And even today, even though he's been this will be his fifth year in the NFL. He says, Mom, I don't have life figured out, I'm still trying to figure out what's going on. So the Atlanta Falcons who Hayden played for for two years, they did an awesome video, and I encourage your listeners, if they have a friend or they're themselves struggling to watch it, it's called breaking the stigma. And it really shares Hayden's journey and story and our family. And it just it's an awesome way for people to realize, Mom, that's what I go through, or that's how I feel.
Allison: 03:33
If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction or mental health issues, we encourage you to reach out to us today. Advanced Recovery Systems is a leading behavioral health care company with locations across this country. Don't hesitate, call us today, at 855-409-1753. That's 855-409-1753 help is just a phone call away.
Angela: 03:58
Absolutely. Cathy, thank you so much for sharing your your story. And I know, you've just done so much in, you know, advocacy and you know, your family's sort of, you know, whole presence and what that experience has been like for you, as touched so many people. I know a really big aspect of that is lending that, you know, hope for the future based on you know, hearing your experience. And, you know, Allison and I and so many of the folks that we work with have had the opportunity to just see so much of that. But like you said, everyone has their own experience, and it can be so isolating when you don't have that access. So we're also fortunate that for those of us who are living and can pass this on, right, that we have that ability and that we can support others and I'm just curious, can you speak to a little bit more about, you know, when you're able to sort of offer that support to others and the work that you've done? How does What does that look like in terms of sort of the the hope, and resilience piece in terms of, you know, when when you're able to share this story, and you're able to support so many others with the resources that you provide? What does that look like? And how do you find that that's been helpful for others?
Cathy Hurst 05:18
Well, I will say this, you know, it's, it's, I've recently been speaking more and, and having opportunities to talk to others. I am not a mental health specialist in the sense that I don't have a doctorate degree, but I have life experiences. And through this foundation, and the work we've been doing for the last four years, I've just learned so much, and I just, I want to help other people as Hayden does. And you know, he's right now concentrating on his football career. So I take the torch and leave for him. So one of the things that we've really been focusing on is resiliency training, and helping young people realize, talk about their emotions and understand their emotions. And it's called in focus. It's a brain based teaching. And it's from a teacher and a social worker that got tired of all these programs at schools talked about, and he designed his own. And it's almost like a daily lesson, it's 10 to 15 minutes in the classroom. And it aims at the age K through eighth grade. Because after a tragic event in Texas, we have to get to young people earlier, myself included Hayden, if we had learned early on just like you learn math skills, or science or spelling or whatever, if we had learned more about our emotions, and where did it come from in the brain and the neurological system? And how can we go, Okay, I'm gonna get myself out of this emotional mindset. Take a deep breath, walk away from a situation and be able to come back and face it better, because maybe I was angry, maybe I was frustrated. And if I continue staying in that headspace, it's going to consume me. But if I can walk away and get control of it, then I think young people will be able to face challenges more. And that's one of the main aspects that we're working with is trying to get this program into our schools. So that young people realize there are other people that feel the way they do, and that it's okay to have these emotions and these feelings. And, and also, for us to talk about resiliency. Maybe in that one moment in time, just like Hayden had that moment, if they were able to look at it differently, or walk away and realize that they can talk to somebody or they can go to somebody for help, if they're struggling so much, and they can understand it. That's what's important for us to really get these kids to think about that tomorrow can be a better day, and that it's okay not to be okay. And nobody, nobody in this world is perfect. And we all have our own issues and situations.
Allison: 08:16
And I think the work that you're doing right now is so critically important. It always has been but even more so now than ever before you figure our children's lives were greatly impacted during the pandemic, their social skills, their ability to communicate their own feelings, and, you know, anxiety and depression. And we're seeing such an increase in kids struggling with mental health issues. So I would love to spend just a little bit more time talking about the social and emotional training for kids. I know, you talked about, you know, working with these, this group to provide additional education. But what does that look like? So if somebody's listening right now, and they're like, oh, my gosh, my kids school needs to do this, or we need to implement this in our community. What can they do to take the steps forward to create more resources or access to resources or training like what you've been talking about?
Cathy Hurst 09:07
Well, absolutely, you know, have them reach out to our foundation, I mean, if they are not sure where to go or what program because there's so many out there, but a lot of them are so difficult, where there's so much research and so much evening work that the teachers have to do and the teachers are overwhelmed themselves. So how are they going to be able to help the children in the classroom if they themselves are struggling with it. And so what I love about the infocus program, and I happen to have the book, this is the teacher's manual, it's very thin. This is for sixth to eighth grade. And it's just it's a daily lesson. So it gives them background information, a quote for the day. And then this part here is basically a script where the teacher can read from it. The students don't have a book or anything. They listen to the teacher. They listen to the teacher being vulnerable. Maybe that teacher was never allowed to show sadness. And so they have a really hard time. Okay, we're going to talk about sadness today. But I'm really not very good at this, because maybe they came from a military military family where you just didn't show weakness. So for that teacher to be vulnerable in that moment with her class, those students are going to be like, Wow, Mrs. Hearst has problems, then it's okay for me to listen and talk about it. And I know I wasn't the best in math. So let's say we're in math class, and the teacher goes, Okay, we're gonna have a pop quiz. And she sees me start hyperventilating and going, even though I might know the material, but you say pop quiz, and it just takes me into a different stratosphere. Maybe that teacher could go hey, Kathy, remember, we talked about not everybody's the same. And we all have our strengths and weaknesses? Why don't you just take 20 seconds to calm yourself? And then then let's just take the quiz, oh, my gosh, I would have been a totally, I would have had a different reaction to that math quiz. So it's just little things that we, we don't think about, we've got to get back to I hate to say basics, we need to get back to allowing children to be vulnerable and have these feelings and say, you know, I'm learning at my age with my two adult children, instead of me saying I was in sales. So I'm always trying to solve the situation. And instead, if I say, Wow, I can't believe you felt that way. Let's talk about it or share with me, why do you think you have those feelings, it makes it into a totally different conversation. And so at my age, I'm still learning how to work with with people and my children, especially
Angela: 11:53
absolutely such important information, and just the way that we approach all of these conversations, like you said, you know, back to basics, and in so many different ways, but also, back to early development. And now you're even talking about, you know, of course, early childhood development, and even outside of the school, how we talk to our kids at home. Kathy, you've mentioned so many are at least a couple of examples. I know, you know, resonate with with me, and I'm sure so many others in terms of when, you know, when we were growing up, we didn't have these conversations, when we were in school, we didn't have a teacher that was vulnerable or wasn't a part of our curriculum. Right. So as you've mentioned, you know, mental health suicidality, a lot of these issues that have really, you know, skyrocketed in terms of, I think, the visibility, and of course, now we're really seeing that these have been long standing ongoing issues, but now it's really, you know, come more to the forefront of public visualization. Right? And I'm sure, you know, you're grateful for that in the sense that we get to now talk about this on a podcast, and, and maybe a couple years ago, it wasn't the norm, right, we may not have a lot of people listening to us. But what are your thoughts around, you know, you're at home with your kids, and you're really trying to support conversations around mental health and wellness? Where do you feel like is, you know, in your personal experience, and I know, your kids are older, but you know, for those who, who are trying to bring this up with their kids right now, or maybe just start incorporating more of that vulnerability? Where Where can we start? What are your thoughts on that?
Cathy Hurst 13:35
I think just having, like you said, having that conversation, opening up communication, sitting down at the dinner table with your family, without phones without devices, and have conversations, like, we know what happened in school today. And maybe when the child starts talking about a situation, you can see that they were struggling with something and then that gives you the opportunity to say, thank you feel when you know, Sarah, made fun of you in class or you know, on the playground, it gives you the opportunity to take that conversation to the next level. We're so used to just going well, that's, that's I'm sorry, that happened. You know, let's just move on. And we got to stop doing that because children are more sensitive today. They want so much to feel like accepted, and what is what is the norm what is accepting, you know, we're also different today. And so we've got to let them be the individuals that they are, but encourage them and you know, and help them through the rough times. And definitely, I would say, be looking out like if your daughter says I'm not hungry and I don't want to eat or they're isolating themselves and you don't see them going out being the social Butterfly that they usually are. Those are warning signs. Those are our signs. I mean, when Hayden was in that dark space, he was isolating himself. Unfortunately, he was in college, so we couldn't see him every day. But he would go to his room and be in a dark room by himself. And those are warning signs, hey, I need help I need I don't understand what's going on. And whether it's a parent, or a coach, or teacher or counselor, somebody and that's where it's so important for friends, because a lot of times kids don't come to your parents, they go to a friend and say, I just feel off today. And it's so good for that friend to be able to say, well, you know, I noticed you don't seem as bubbly as usual, why don't we go talk to our teacher, go talk to the counselor, or if they're playing sports, go talk to a coach. That's one thing that we're doing with the social and emotional training is because coaching was so important in Hayden's life, and even the author Tom, we're having him do a coach's manual. And we're talking more about the coaches, that these kids are different and you can't be Oh, no crying in baseball, you know, just suck it up, keep playing, we have to understand the dynamics. And that's what it's so important. And Hayden actually got a chance, recently at the draft, to talk to 40 of the Most High School winning coaches, actually, we're in Las Vegas, and Hayden was supposed to fly the flight got totally messed up. So he did it by zoom. But these coaches asked, is there a manual? Is there something that can help us with these kids. And so that's something we were working on. Personally, I know, I've got the opportunity to talk to some professors at Ohio State. They're working on an SEL program for coaches. So we just, you know, I'm not embarrassed to say talk about Ohio State. Because together we can make a difference. And if it means me putting a resource with someone else. That's how we can help people figure out ways to handle this with their kids, [by] getting more and better resources out there at their fingertips.
Allison: 17:18
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And the work that you're doing is so critically important. I love that you're working from the coach's angle too, right? So I grew up as an athlete, you know, my coach was very important to me, I respected everything that she said, I hung on every word. So again, anybody that's in a position of influence, that position of influence might be a friend, it might be another family member, it might be a coach, it might be a mentor might be a peer, whoever it is, but empowering everybody, number one to know what to do, right? Like it's, first of all, giving them the safe space to be able to have brief conversations, then equipping them with like the knowledge of knowing what to do next, and who to call and how to turn and help their friend or their loved one, get the help that they need. Because you're right, it might not always be directly to a parent, right. And so showing them the way making sure everybody has this information and knowing what to do next. So really, really important. And Kathy, the work that you all are doing is truly exceptional. We wanted to spotlight everything that the Hayden Hearst Family Foundation is doing, because it's certainly leaving its mark. It's all I feel like it's got so much more even still to do, and you've got a really strong pathway ahead of you. But we're grateful for you. And we love to ask all of our guests that come on our show, before they leave us and their time on their show is at this moment in your life right now what matters most to you.
Cathy Hurst 19:08
Just continuing fighting the good fight, and being resilient in my own life and, and hoping that for my my children and my family, because we just have to keep trying because there's just so much more to accomplish on this earth and to help and with all these kids struggling because to your point earlier, through the pandemic, these kids got so much taken away from them. And so I get up every day and just want to make a difference and help that next child realize that life is important and to be resilient and not give up hope.
Angela: 19:48
I love that and it's so important and I know there are so many out there and probably those who are listening who would love to be able to do the same and at least access and and understand what you're doing and then maybe you can see how they can get Get involved. So can you tell us Kathy just how are our listeners can follow you find you learn more about what you and the foundation are doing.
Cathy Hurst 20:09
Right so what's the Hayden Hearst Family Foundation and we have a website that has all kinds of great information about the work we're doing. I didn't really mentioned the military work we're doing but just you know, in helping young people. So there's great videos there that tell Haden story, but also share the work we're doing. You know, please reach out to somebody I know we've had so many people reach out to our foundation that say I'm struggling. And you know, we're not the mental health expert. But we're not only walking the walk, we're doing the talk to I mean, we're doing everything we can to help.
Angela: 20:47
Amazing well thank you again for joining us and hopefully we will talk to you soon and just thanks for all the hard work and, and everything that you all are doing. We just so much appreciate you taking some time to spend with us today. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. If you're not already subscribed, we hope you join us regularly. And please leave us a five star review wherever you get your podcasts if you enjoyed the show. We hope that this podcast is beneficial to you and your wellness journey. Dear mind you matter is brought to you by Nobu, a new mental health and wellness app. You can download it today using the link in our show notes. We will talk to you next time and until then remember you and your mind matter